We’ve all heard and even possibly said, “You just never know when the last time you will be able to say I love you”. Missing Mama feels like yesterday and forever all at once. When I think of the past 5 months since Mama crossed over to the other side of glory, I can’t believe it. I can’t believe it’s only been 5 months. I can’t believe it’s been 5 long months. When I find myself trying to text her an inspirational or a funny, I realize I am a long way from acceptance. I speak of her daily, repeating her funny Helenism’s as I affectionately call them. Both southern and poverty roots played equal roles in her heritage. Little did I know how richly they each blessed me while they were happening. Sleeping in her home without her there feels strange and secure all at once. Those familiar things like her Bible and book collections, antiques, old pictures on the fridge all feel like her. When I am cooking and search for her favorite knife or perfect platter, I can feel her. As I lay in the antique bed refinished by her sweet husband and squirm down into the pristine bedding she beautifully assembled and allow my eyes to wander around the room at all her sentimental treasures and ponder the memories attached to each, I realize this is now my forever and my heart breaks. The tears are cleansing and painful all at once. From her 4th cancer surgery to her final 4 months battling her 5th cancer, we lived a lifetime together. Someone asked me recently how much I could accomplish towards a work project inside 4 months and my first response was very little. The question and my reply echoed when I suddenly remembered in just 4 short months, I traveled memory lane with her daily. I cared for her the way she did me as a newborn. We were able to process old hurts, no longer denying forgiveness. I became her voice, arms, legs, care giver and safe place. I was able to sit at her feet and savor every syllable that poured from her lips as she shared her faith, her wishes, her fears, her pains and her love. She was able to shelve her pride and trust me to make decisions for her. Never will I forget the blessing of being able to climb into bed with her and read aloud Love You Forever. Just as I was her baby first, she then became my baby. Who knew we could live a lifetime in 4 short months. Thank you Lord Jesus for such tragic blessings. Scripture references: Proverbs 31:28, Hebrew 13:5, John 14:18